The Darks Go Exploring
by Osa P
Summary: What happens when ancient Egyptian beings are brought to the present? They touch things. Read the adventures each of the darks have as they try to adapt to present day. Always in progress
1. Yami Finds a Tube Sock

el AN: hi kids! XD this is the first fic in a series i've been planning where the lovely dark spirits of YGO discover things from present day. i mean anything that didn't exist in egypt when they were around, so anything from watches to a toaster oven. anything goes and i will take request. and there aren't really pairings in here persay, but i'm a fan of yugixyami bakuraxryou malikmarik, etc. i only like jouxkaiba when the story's actually good and doesn't cause spontaneous bleeding on my part. (anything by seto's whiterose for instance...) so, enjoy. you wunnerful bitchfaces. 

Disclaimer: i own my boobs. but i'm willing to give to anyone who wants extra. otherwise i own nothing else. except maybe this idea... maybe.

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**Yami Finds a Tube Sock**

He was a genius. Not just the normal type of genius- oh no- a true prodigal type of genius. He was such a genius that it was beginning to leak out of his ear in the form of excess shower water. That's right, the great Pharaoh Atemu had taken a shower. This wouldn't have been particularly impressive under normal circumstances, but when you take into account that all the times previous he'd attacked the shower head believing it to be an enchanted snake, this was a vast improvement.

Despite his normally regal demeanor, he couldn't help but grin, pleased with himself. Yami walked around the room he shared with his light, Yugi, deciding by himself what he would wear for the day. Not like he didn't understand how to dress himself or that wearing clothes was very much needed in the present society. It was more his inherent inability to dress appropriately when he was going outside. For instance: dressing in short-shorts and a skintight tank top in the middle of winter. Or deciding upon a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that had one too many rips to be acceptable school attire. But now he could do anything. After all, he only went to school 6 days out of the week and not for the full year. Therefore he had plenty of time to wear all of those other, more comfortable, clothes.

Today's outfit of choice fell upon the blue pants of his school uniform, a nearly transparent white button up, and the traditional black buckle around his neck. He would put on a jacket later to at least give the appearance of conforming while at school. He didn't bother checking his appearance in the mirror figuring that if there were anything wrong at all with how he looked his aibou would tell him.

Satisfied and ready for school, he was about to leave their room when Yugi shouted at him from downstairs.

"Yami!"

Said dark popped his head over the railing of the stairs to look at his light. "Yes, aibou?"

"Could you get me a spare pair of boxers?"

"Why ever would you need them?"

"Umm.. They're not for me, they're for Jounnochi-kun!"

Yami blinked twice, silently asking why.

"He got his boxers dumped in meat again," Yugi answered trying to hold back his laughter. Yami smirked down at him before turning back and heading for their room. He could vaguely hear his light shouting something about the second to last drawer and took that as a good place to start. Sure, they lived in the same room, but that didn't mean they knew everything about each other. Especially when you consider the dark's recently overcome fear of all forms of underwear. He too now wore boxers, but only because he'd been warned of the dangers of thongs by his precious light.

He popped open said 'second to last drawer' and peered inside. It was easy enough to find a spare pair of boxers for Jo. There appeared to be a whole section of food-patterned boxers just for him. It was safe to say that his boxers were often under fire of a certain mean-spirited prankster.

Just as Yami was pulling out a pair bedecked with hot dogs when his hand met with something he'd never seen before. It was a long rather skinny piece of fabric striped with the boldest colors of the rainbow. His hand made a detour in heading for the much-needed undergarment in favor of his discovery. He pulled out the fabric wondering what article of clothing it could be. It looked so tubular and stretchy to the pharaoh. Just where could this cylindrical, striped, half a ruler length cloth go?

The pharaoh is by no means stupid and actually prided himself on being a brilliant strategist and problem solver. Few would dare to refute this statement, fully understanding that whether or not he really was the most intelligent in a situation, he could still banish them to the shadow realm for all eternity. It was now that the pharaoh would need use of these skills. The problem solving ability, that is. What reason would he have to summon up his powers over an item of clothing?

He 'hmmed' to himself in deep thought over the purpose of the stripped material. 'Could it be a rod covering?', he asked himself. No, it couldn't be for rods were generally much to long to be covered by something so short. 'A type of glove?' No, not a glove, for his light had just taught him about those a few weeks prior and it most definitely wasn't built for a hand.

He stared hard down at the fabric, almost glaring in his frustration. What could it possibly be? He was nearly out of ideas. He glanced over at the alarm clock that sat on a table between their beds. If he waited much longer he'd be late for school and after spending an afternoon cleaning a classroom that he'd played no part in messing up, he very much did not want to be late again. He shrugged his slim graceful shoulders as any confused pharaoh would and grabbed Jo's spares giving up on figuring out the tube cloth for the time being.

He was in the process of shutting Yugi's underwear drawer when it hit him. "By Ra, that's it!", he exclaimed, though not loudly enough for anyone else to hear him. His hand dove back into the drawer and pulled out the object of his ponderings and he held it triumphantly in the air. 'Finally something I can be comfortable in.' He dashed into the bathroom with the cloth, grinning all the way.

A little less than five minutes later, he'd joined his light at the bottom of the stairs, boxers in hand, and they were off to school.

-----

It wasn't until gym period that day that anyone discovered what Yami had done in the bathroom with the tubular piece of fabric. Emphasis on tubular.

Yami was in the process of changing into his gym clothes when he heard snickering from behind him. A group of the jockier kids were bursting with giggles over something about the spiky haired pharaoh. He shrugged to himself figuring it was nothing of importance. Besides, if they became too annoying he could sic one of his monsters on them. Ah, it was good to be pharaoh.

However this wasn't enough to relieve him of all anxiety when another group of males began to laugh and point at him. His brows furrowed in confusion as he pulled on his gym shirt. He'd yet to pull on his gym shorts. It wasn't until Yugi walked in along with Ryou that he finally understood what the laughter was about.

"Yami, what the hell?" Yugi's eyes were impossibly wide with shock and his voice cracked in surprise. His dark merely furrowed his brows more in response. Ryou meanwhile was nearly busting a gut from laughing so hard which only seemed to give permission to all others present to join in the hilarity.

Yugi blushed slightly on Yami's behalf and because... well... "Yami, do you know what you're wearing?", he asked, speaking very slowly.

Yami shook his head, meaning no, suddenly feeling a blush coming on. "Yami... Why are you wearing a tube sock on your...ahem..." The tiny boy trailed of looking completely flushed both in shocked embarrassment and in mirth. His dark looked down at the 'tube sock', as it had been called, and frowned. He then looked back up at his light. Then back down to the sock. Then to his light. Then to what rhymes with sock.

On this last head tilt downwards he began to turn completely red which isn't easy considering how much darker he was compared to his light. It seemed that the knowledge of his indiscretion had finally set in and to say he was embarrassed is an understatement. He tried his best to tug at the bottom of his gym shirt to cover himself, still not looking up.

Laughter reigned throughout the locker room as they continued to gawk at the once mighty pharaoh who was now trying his best to disappear. Maybe his shadow magic wasn't so useful after all.

Yami's head snapped up when he heard a distinctive giggle near his side. His little light had finally fallen victim to the hilarity of the situation and was doing his cute giggle where he tried to hide behind his hand. His rounded cheeks were flushed in amusement and he almost seemed to sparkle in the dull locker room light. Looking into his lights cheerful face he felt his embarrassment slip away. He began to chuckle with the rest of his classmates silently vowing to send all of them and the tube sock to the shadow realm.

Maybe shadow magic was the best invention known to man.

_15 minutes later..._

Ryou finally stopped laughing and had finished getting dressed for class. He was now quite late for gym as were the pharaoh and his light. The white haired boy went up to Yugi and placed a hand on his shoulder, still smiling.

"Is Yami done changing yet?"

Yugi shrugged. "I think he's trying to send the sock to the shadow realm. I sure as heck don't want it back."

Ryou smirked. "Yeah, well, at least this wasn't as bad as the time Bakura thought that plus sized bras were meant to cover his ass. Wasn't as funny as that time either..." He chuckled at the memory.

It was silent for a time, only Yami's grunts and muttered Egyptian curses breaking the stillness.

"Wait just one minute!", Yugi exclaimed. "How did Bakura get his hands on a bra! You're mom's dead!"

Ryou stared at him for all of two seconds before he took of towards the gym door. Indeed.

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	2. Bakura Finds AntiFreeze

le AN: round two, yeah? i've already got many a idea for this series thing and another fic is in the workings right now. considering the one review i got i should be much more discouraged, but... i don't care. i'm enjoying myself. the end. so, read on. in the event anyone else wants to review, remember i'm taking request for this. ariba! 

disclaimer: i don't own ygo or prestone antifreeze or anything really. this idea is mine though. suck it! XD

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Bakura Finds AntiFreeze

Bakura glared out at the thick snow that blanketed the ground around Ryou's home. Snow was icky. It was like sand only cold, which meant it could find any and every orifice on your body and stick there, just to make you miserable. And what made it worse was the skinny white haired teen that was tugging, quite viciously, on his arm, pleading with him to come outside and 'play'.

"C'mon Bakura! It's only a little snow and snow is fun!"

The dark ignored him, continuing to glare out of the window. There was no way in hell he was going outside today.

"We can throw snowballs at each other! You can beat me and I won't complain!"

He snorted at this. It didn't matter if his light complained or not. If he wanted to beat him, he would. And he liked it when his light struggled.

Ryou gave one last hard tug at his dark's arm before stumbling backwards and landing on his butt. He wore a look between a grimace and a pout. Why did he have to do everything Bakura did, but the one time he asked for something there was no way it could happen. Not only did this suck, but now his butt was sore. He blinked to himself wondering why an eerie feeling came over him at that thought. It was almost as though in another dimension this would be normal for him. He shook off the feeling and his thoughts returned to the task at hand: How to get the big stubborn oaf to play with him.

'Hmm... What if I offer him steak? He likes steak!' Ryou took a moment to take in his dark's physique. 'Maybe not. More protein equals more muscle mass and more muscle mass means more beatings.'

Ryou's pale right hand came up to cup his equally pale jaw as he pondered what to do. His face scrunched up slightly, mostly around his upturned nose. Bakura didn't fail to notice just how cute his light looked like that. For the first time in about half an hour he actually looked at his light in all of his innocence. Could this be why he hadn't beaten the boy's face in for a few months? Could it be that he actually had a heart?

Bakura snorted and threw one of Ryou's unicorn figurines to the floor. The nicer of the two pouted harder than before, now slightly upset that Barry the Great White Unicorn had met an untimely death. Barry the White was his favorite and had been a gift from Yugi last Christmas.

'That's it! A gift!' The light's face changed from sadness to excitement in one mere moment. He clambered up off the floor and sidled up to his dark, sitting behind him on the bed.

"'Kura," he said coyly, "You're going to come outside and play with me!" He finished out the sentence with a song in his voice.

Bakura grunted in reply. Like hell he was going to.

"You are, cause if you don't you won't get a present..." he trailed off to better bait the trap. His dark's head whipped around at the mention of a gift and his sharp eyes were now firmly trained on Ryou.

His eyes narrowed. "What type of present?"

Ryou felt himself freeze up. What the hell was he supposed to give him? He continued to smile even as he panicked on the inside. 'He's not the easiest person to buy for! Heck, he's not easy in any way!' He searched his memory as fast as he could, looking for the slightest clue that would reveal to him the perfect gift. This wasn't too particularly hard until he filtered out all of the illegal and/or dangerous possibilities. That didn't leave much.

"Well?", Bakura growled.

"Y-you know... um... it's a surprise!", Ryou lamely saved.

"Then don't be fking surprised when I kick you down the stairs." He folded his arms across his chest and turned back to the window.

Ryou tried not to lose his rapidly fading grip on his dark. "Um, it's downstairs right now, in the... the garage! I'll get it for you after we play awhile, ok?"

Bakura glared at him. "You telling the truth?"

Ryou gulped. His dark's eyes were really frightening aimed at him like that. "Of course! And if I'm not I'll, um... be your slave for a day!" He immediately cringed after his blurted appeasement. Now he really would have to give his dark something, otherwise he'd be in deep shit come tomorrow morning.

The dark smirked. "Alright then, let's go play in your damned snow." He slid off the bed and headed for outside.

"Wait! What are you doing!" Bakura blinked back at him annoyedly.

"You wanted to go play in the fking snow, so I'm going to play in the f--king snow!"

"Not dressed like that you're not," the teen scolded. "It's too cold outside for short sleeves." He began to list things off on his fingers. "You need a sweatshirt, a jacket, warmer pants, socks, boots, a scarf, some gloves, and a hat of some sort before you even set a foot outside!"

The older of the two shot the younger a viscous look. To say that he was irritated was an understatement. Why in the hell was it so difficult to go out and play in that stuff? It was just frozen precipitation!

Ryou could feel the irritation coming in waves from his other half, so he tried the one thing he knew would work: More bribery, with a puppy dog eye after taste. "I'll bake you a cake," he said sweetly, batting his eyelashes for effect.

Bakura twitched a little very much disturbed that someone who looked nearly exactly like him could look so adorable. It bothered him more that he considered him adorable. But he couldn't pass up cake... He sighed though it went unnoticed by Ryou. 'Manipulative little bastard... I'm oddly proud.'

"Fine. I'll wear a jacket and that stuff." He suddenly had a squealing hikari in his arms. 'Cute manipulative little bast--d...' "Get the f--k of me!" He dropped the boy to the floor and headed for the closet.

-----

Half an hour later the nearly identical boys were romping around in the snow, looks of glee plastered to their faces. Yes, even Bakura appeared gleeful because Ryou made the most adorable cry of pain when snowballs decided to collide with his face. To say that it was happening more often the longer they stayed outside would have been a fair assumption.

Bakura chuckled as a sound closely resembling 'aiya' emerged from his light as another snowball hit him in the face. He fell backwards into a pile of snow. This served to make Bakura laugh harder. Maybe this snow stuff wasn't too bad after all.

Ryou wasn't enjoying himself quite as much as he'd first anticipated, considering how often he'd been thrown on his butt since earlier in the day, but he was still having fun. Just not right at the moment, for he seemed to be stuck where he was. He tried flailing his arms, searching for something to grip onto. Finding no firm surfaces he twisted his hips in an attempt to dislodge himself from the mound of snow. Still no luck. He kicked his legs thinking the momentum of their movement might propel him forward and out. He remained firmly stuck. Finally he settled on all out thrashing in hopes of escaping but to no avail. He frowned deeply to himself, upset that he couldn't do this on his own and that the longer he stayed stuck the colder his backside became.

So the boy did the only thing he could do; whine. "Bakuraaaa! Help!"

Said dark could barely hear his cries for help since he'd been laughing at him through his entire struggle. What could he do? The display was so cute and so very pathetic. Bakura continued to laugh as his light continued to wail. He was quite literally busting a gut from laughing so hard and tears were leaking from his eyes. If anyone were to say that he'd been crying this was the only instance in which he'd proudly admit it. "Kura! Help please! It's cold"  
Fortune seemed to be smiling on Bakura that day for he could hear the phone ringing through the thin barrier of the screen door. This new stress sent his light into another flailing frenzy as he redoubled his efforts to dislodge himself from the snow.  
"Bakura! Please!" The dark only laughed harder if that were possible. Ryou 'hmphed' to himself and would have been crossing his arms could he maneuver them to do so. "Fine! If you're not going to help me then the least you can do is answer the damned phone"  
Bakura's laughter ceased rather abruptly. "F--k no I won't!" He bent over the snow pile in which his light was trapped and pulled him out in one swift movement. "Go answer the Ra-damned thing"  
Ryou smirked in spite of his terribly cold backside. The older of the two was more than a little afraid of the 'compact portal to the deepest reaches of the shadow realm'. Plainly put, big and mighty Bakura was afraid of answering the telephone so it was up to Ryou to answer all calls. He had to do so quickly in the event that his dark finally decided to face his fears and attack it with a blunt object.

Bakura watched as his light ran inside. He stared at the snow for a while. He looked at the many indentions dotting the layer of precipitation where he'd knocked the pansier of the two to the ground. 'I could stand out here waiting for Ryou like some girl for her soldier boyfriend,' he snorted at the imagery, 'Or I could search the garage for my present and enjoy it now instead of later.' He nodded to himself. He knew which option to choose not that it was a hard decision.

A few moments later he was busily searching every shelf in the enclosure looking for anything 'present-y'. Nothing was really catching his eye to be honest. Sure there were various tools and such that, under normal circumstances, would have been tons of fun for the dark, but he expected a present from Ryou to be a lot less dangerous. Unfortunate, but true. Besides, there was already dried blood on most of the tools signifying prior use by a certain angry spirit.

Despite the bad turnout so far, he continued to search, determined to find what was already his before it was officially given to him. Bakura knelt down beside the lone car in the garage to see if there was anything next to or underneath the vehicle that could be his prize. He was a little surprised to see an oddly shaped bottle with what looked to be a bow fastened to the top. He reached under the car and pulled it in to full view. It was a yellow bottle with a wide label on it.

"Preh.. pree.. preestune.. preestone? prehstune? What the hell's that mean?" He looked the bottle up and down for any clues to the contents of the bottle, but it mattered not considering his reading skills were poor and he wasn't exactly moving to make any improvement. He shook the bottle a couple of times to get a feel for what was inside. "Sounds like... juice.. Alcohol maybe?" He grinned eagerly at this assumption. Maybe his light had finally realized that it didn't matter what pains he went through to prevent mischief, Bakura would always find a way to do what he wanted.

He eagerly untwisted the top and took a whiff. "Smells like alcohol... sounds like alcohol... it's alcohol!", he crowed and took a swig immediately after. Bakura almost choked in surprise at the undeniably sweet taste of the liquor. "Whatever sh-t this is, it taste fking sweet!" His satisfaction grew with every gulp he took. Very soon he only had about half of a bottle left and was planning on saving the rest for later. That was a good thing too, for Ryou had reemerged from inside of the house minutes earlier and took to looking for his dark. He'd just now found him in the garage.

"There you are, Kura. We've got to go!"

Bakura made sure the hand that held the bottle went unseen as he slipped it back to its original hiding place. "Where the f--k we going?", he asked innocently as possible.

"To the hospital!", Ryou exclaimed.

"What for?"

"For Kaiba!"

"So?"

"Somebody went through the trouble of breaking into his house last night and-"

"He's missing a limb?", Bakura interjected excitedly.

Ryou sighed annoyedly. "No, he didn't lose a limb you blood thirsty jerk!"

"Then what's the big deal?"

"If you'd let me finish, you'd know!" Bakura remained silent. "Anyways, someone broke in and replaced all of the water in his house with strawberry flavored water, for what reason I don't know."

"And?", the dark asked, becoming disinterested once all possibility of blood was extinguished.

"He's allergic to strawberries."

"And?"

Ryou put a hand to his forehead in agitation. "He's currently at the hospital puffed up like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters and he's been seizing on and off for the last half hour."

Bakura's eyes lit up at this. "He's seizing?"

"Yes."

"Well what are we waiting for?" He jumped up from his position on the floor and opened up the passenger door to the car. Ryou still appeared to be exasperated but slid into the car next to him.

A gleeful smile tinged with evil was plastered across Bakura's face as he buckled himself in. "Hey Ryou?"

"What?"

"Do we have any hardcore techno music?"

His only answer was the thud of a head meeting the steering wheel.

-----

By the time they'd arrived at the hospital Yugi, Yami and Jo were already present. Why Jo was there neither of them was sure, but they figured it would be to taunt the boy in his weakest moment. Yeah, pretty much.

"Hey guys," Ryou greeted the small group. They all replied back in various forms. Bakura said nothing, which was a bit odd for him considering he never passed up a time to insult them, most especially the pharaoh. Ryou shot a glance at his dark who was still smiling gleefully, but his eyes seemed a little unfocused. Or at least more unfocused than usual.

"Kura, are you ok?"

Bakura turned blank eyes and a wide smile to him and nodded very slowly before grinning wider, if that were even possible. His light twitched. Yugi backed a few steps away. Yami showed no visible signs of fear but he was a little wigged out as well. Jo seemed to be uncharacteristically preoccupied with something or perhaps even a little bit worried.

This moment of discomfort was broken by a doctor stopping in front of them to address them all.

"Well," he began, "It seems Mr. Kaiba has stopped seizing-"

"Damn."

The doctor glanced at the white haired dark before continuing. "And it seems that his swelling is going down-"

"F--k!"

The doctor looked straight at the boy this time shocked that anyone would be so callous in light of such an incident. Actually he wasn't that surprised considering who it was that was in need of medical assistance. Sure Kaiba had a younger brother and he seemed to have grown up all right, but he'd heard stories. Evil wicked stories of mafia's and corporate prostitution and of blinding car accidents.(1) It was all very shady. Not to mention the CEO seemed to be a real bastard to everyone in general, but they were just stories after all, right?

"He should be ready to leave before it gets to be too late in the evening."

"F--k!" This time all eyes turned to Bakura. Sure it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to cuss at impromptu times, but to _sing_ it like some Julie Andrews reject was just wrong.

Ryou reached out a tentative hand to his dark. "Kura..?"

"Yes darling?"

The teen snatched his hand back. 'Oh God!', he thought, a little panicked. All others present were more than a little apprehensive themselves.

"Um.. Kura?"

"Call me Pharaoh." Yami twitched.

"Right...uh, Pharaoh, are you feeling ok?"

Bakura smiled eerily at him, the creepy look never really having faded, just intensified. "Right as rain my darling!" Yugi had been steadily backing up to where his dark stood and was now gripping onto his shirt like there was no tomorrow.

"Did you, uh, do anything to make you feel that way, Pharaoh?" He added the 'pharaoh' at the end a bit hastily, not quite understanding the reasoning behind it.

"Oh darling, you should know! You hid that delightful present for me in the garage and I just couldn't resist sampling it!" Not only did Bakura still have the 'creepy look' but his breath was sounding a little out of whack. Whether it be from the near singing or something else couldn't be determined.

'Oh crap! What could he have gotten into? I didn't actually have a present in there for him!' Ryou was beginning to fidget in his anxiety. "Just what was it that you sampled Pharaoh?"

"It was such a good drink..", he swayed a bit, "I think I have a buzz off of it. Good alcohol. I love alcohol. Alcohollll!" Now the doctor too was cowering away from the obviously crazed boy.

"And what was this drink called?"

Bakura wasn't breathing right at all now. "Pree... prehs... preestune... prestone! Yesh! Prestone... it... was..."

Suddenly Ryou felt all the color drain out of his face. It was a good time too because Bakura chose that moment to collapse to the floor. It took mere seconds before half of the medical staff had jumped on him like white on rice and had him in a stretcher taking his vitals like medical maniacs. Ryou rushed behind them as they took him to and empty ER room leaving Jo, Yami, and Yugi where they were.

Yami stared at Yugi. Yugi stared back. Jo started laughing.

"Jonouchi! That's not very nice!", Yugi scolded him, the standard cute from on his face.

In between giggles Jo managed to defend himself. "I know it's not Yugi, but if only you knew what was going on." He began snickering again before he could finish.

Yami and Yugi looked at each other again. "Jonouchi, what do you mean?" Yami asked.

"Dude, Prestone isn't alcohol- well not really. It's Antifreeze." As Jo explained Yugi's eyes brightened with recognition. He too began giggling.

Yami blinked at the two hysterical boys. Why was pain suddenly so funny?

"What is this 'Antifreeze' you speak of?"

Yugi and Jo spared him a look before bursting out laughing again.

-----

An hour later all was well with Bakura, at least physically. There would always be something mentally wrong with him. Ryou was stationed outside of his hospital room talking with the doctor.

"So, he'll be fine now, right?"

The doctor smiled reassuringly down at him. "He should be good as new as soon as he wakes up."

"That's a relief." Ryou sighed truly feeling better about the situation.

The doctor patted his shoulder as if cementing the fact that Bakura would be fine. "I do have one question for you."

"Hm?"

"Just how and why did 16 year old drink antifreeze?"

Ryou tensed up. "Um..." 'What do I say? What will he actually believe?'

"Uh... one of our friends dared him to I guess, so he, uh, did it." He gave the doctor a weak grin through his nervousness.

"Oh, well be sure he doesn't do anything like this again."

Ryou beamed up at him. "Of course not doctor!" The doctor smiled sternly at him before turning to go check on his other patients. "Oh, doctor!" He turned back. "Will he, um, remember anything from the past- I don't know- day or so?"

The doctor was silent for a moment in thought. "Hmm.. Well it's possible he may have suffered minimal amounts of brain damage even though we treated him so quickly." Ryou crossed his fingers behind his back. "I'd say there's a very good chance he'll forget everything from the past few hours. Why do you ask?"

Ryou smiled innocently at him. "I just wanted to know if I'd have to remind him not to drink antifreeze again."

"What a good friend you are."

Ryou continued to smile. 'Just as long as he doesn't remember today I'll be his _best_ friend.'

Bakura was never told all the details as to how and why he drank antifreeze, but it's safe to say that he never lived the moment down.

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(1) i've heard those stories too pimps Seto's whiterose

this started out so promising. wat happened i ask myself. ah well. i must persevere.


	3. Marik Finds BobbleHeads

AN: this series makes me smile. i'm still taking ideas. read. 

disclaimer: i own shit. shut the fuck up.

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**Marik Finds Bobble-Heads**

"Marik, I'm going out!"

The ridiculously spiky head of Marik Ishtar popped up from where he was watching ants die. It wasn't necessarily mere death considering that he himself had laced a mound of dirt with ant killer. The poor ants were ignorant to this and were slowly dieing as they made their way back to their anthill.

"Oh! I want to go!" He leapt up from his post and took off in the direction of his light's voice. He came upon him in the foyer of their and Ishizu's home. "Where are you going?"

Malik blinked at his over-excited dark. Marik excited was never a good thing. EVER. Well, except for the few times when he could actually remain sane for more than 5 seconds, which wasn't very often and therefore irrelevant. "I'm just going out with Jo..." He trailed off not really wanting to give any more information.

"Can I come", he asked, hands behind his back in an attempt at looking innocent.

Malik's brows furrowed as he considered the pros and cons of this situation. On the one hand Marik did have a knack for keeping himself amused. On the other hand it usually involved harming the innocent, poking the old, and generally terrorizing all that's in-between. It was decidedly safer to leave him home. For everyone.

"No, Marik, not this time." He gave him a weak smile as an apology. 'This is the best scenario so I'm not backing down this time.'

Marik pouted at his light, which was quite hard to do with a constantly insane gleam in his eye. Safe to say he couldn't pull it off and Malik didn't change his mind. In fact the sane (or more sane, rather) of the two turned and continued on his way towards the garage. The spiky haired boy was right at his heels, following him like a shadow and trying his best to make whining sounds that were steadily becoming more and more like his sadistic laughter.

Finally Malik faced his dark again, just as he'd opened the car door. "Look Marik, I promise to take you out another time, but I just can't this time." He looked at the almost hurt look on his other half's face. "Besides, you'd probably get bored pretty quickly," he explained feeling a bit guilty for being so forceful.

"I promise I won't get bored!" Marik exclaimed, sounding much like a 6 year old making the same guarantee to his mom.

Malik sighed. "That's what you say every time and then somehow someone ends up scarred for life or missing a testicle and when we come and ask you why you did what you did you say you were just bored. How do you expect me to trust you this time?"

The culprit was now trying to suppress a grin. He had such fond memories of those times before. The testicle thing really was an accident, but definitely one of his best to date. "I won't do that stuff this time!"

Malik rolled his eyes and got into the car, shutting the door. Marik put his face up to the window, his hands on either side, and tried his best to look as pitiful as possible. It wasn't much, but it was something. Inside the car, the younger of the two shook his head and started the engine. He waited for a few minutes letting the engine idol, before Marik removed himself from the car and went back inside looking dejected.

'I know he shouldn't be out with people but I feel so bad when I leave him home like this.' He sighed to himself then put the car into gear and backed out. Or at least he backed out as far as he could. Said person he had to leave home had positioned himself in the center of the driveway and was looking just as crazy as always if not more so. Malik rolled his eyes and honked the horn. They'd played this game before-- 'Let's see if Malik would really run me over'-- and they both knew he would if that last hospital visit had anything to say about it.

Despite this fact Marik didn't seem to be very eager to move. To say that he looked determined to stay there was an understatement. Then again he did have the one object that could get him anything he wanted. Yep, you guessed it, the Millennium Rod. Said rod was currently being waved in the air just in sight of the rearview mirror. Said rearview mirror could be seen by Malik. Said Malik paled.

'Dammit! How'd he find it this time!' He banged his head against the steering wheel. 'Ah hell. Now I can't leave him.' His head met the steering wheel one last time for good measure before he reached over and opened the passenger side door. "Get in you bastard," he shouted half-heartedly.

As a grinning Marik hopped in beside him, Malik felt the cruel tentacles of defeat move in to butt-rape him.

----------

Malik sighed for what seemed to be the 50th time that day as he wandered down the large mall isle. Jo was to his right looking less than comfortable for on his other side resided Marik. A crazy Marik. An oxymoronical statement but nonetheless true.

Jo jumped as he heard a crash behind him. His looked behind him to see that a middle-aged woman had dropped the majority of her packages. Then he looked to Marik. Finding the standard evil smile missing from the boy's face he relaxed a bit. It's not that he hated the spiky haired mental case, but after being strapped to a tablet for and hour and whipped by fire it was hard to be comfortable around him.

Malik too could sense this and was seriously debating whether to send Marik off by himself. True it could be dangerous for anyone and everyone around them, but if the crazed individual stayed with them it could be detrimental to his and Jo's relationship. Sure, Malik hadn't stolen Jo's soul but he hadn't been particularly nice to him either and he really wanted them to be friends. 'Well...what are the odds he can burn down a building twice...?' He looked at his dark and the way his eyes darted around locking on innocent children and the elderly. Then he looked at Jo and his nervous expression.

"Hey Marik dearest." Marik's eyes continued to scan the area around him but he grunted in acknowledgement. "You know me and Jo have some stuff we have to get done and I don't think you'd be to interested, so...", he took a breath. "Maybe you should go off and look by yourself."

Both of his companions stopped dead in their tracks, their faces displaying mutual disbelief. Marik recovered the fastest, stepping closer to his light. "Really?" Malik nodded. "Ra yes!" He grinned wildly down at his counterpart before wrapping him in a tight hug. "Thanks alot buddy!" With that Marik took off, skipping away to the left. Already several people had turned to stare at the merrily skipping teen. There just wasn't something quite right about him.

Malik watched Marik traipse off into the distance for a bit before turning to Jo. The sandy blonde was still in shock. "C'mon Jo, let's go get some coffee."

Jo's mouth worked. "But... you just...why?"

The tanned boy smiled at him. "Coffee, ne?"

"But he's dangerous and you just... I can't believe you-"

"How bout some fucking coffee!"

Jo shut his mouth and nodded dumbly. Even if Malik was the nicer of the two, he was still quite frightening.

----------

Meanwhile the master of mayhem was wandering about looking into various shop windows without a care in the world. Nothing had caught his eye quite yet. Sure there was the blind man that he lead into the fountain but that was normal stuff. He wanted to see or do something different. The arcade scared him and clothing stores were boring once he'd been thrown out for jumping out of clothes racks and scaring customers. He needed adventure and he needed it now!

And suddenly there it was. Or rather, there they were. 20 shiny plastic dolls with large wobbly looking heads sat next to one another just behind the novelty store window. To any standard passerby they were nothing but a cheap collectible reserved for office desk or dashboards, but to Marik they were potentially the recruits for his army. Yes, army. The powers of the shadow realm could do some amazing stuff.

The Egyptian boy approached the display window as if in a daze. His eyes were locked onto their bobbling heads and shiny, soulless eyes. They were a thing of beauty. Before he'd even realized his face was pressed up against the window watching each one of them carefully.

"They're perfect", he whispered to himself. He smirked to himself as they continued to bobble along. "With these I'll overrun this shopping wall with a chaos of my creation and all will become my slaves!" Maniacal laughter bubbled up as it always did when he began plotting. And as always he managed to scare away several children and their mothers.

He straightened up to his full height, facing his new recruits, and he glared down at them. "Now, my minions, I order you to stop your, um... bobbling! Too much bobbling will alert my light and others to our plans and that would ruin everything."

They continued to bobble on.

Marik blinked at them. "I understand your willingness to wreak havoc, but there is a time and a place for these things which is usually anytime, but now we must focus on secrecy! Espionage! Ninja stuff!"

They still bobbled.

The Egyptian growled at them a bit. "Can you not hear me you foul creatures! I come to offer you freedom from your confines and something to do yet you continue to disobey me!" He was shouting at the window, gesticulating wildly. "Do you wish for me to send all of your souls to the shadow realm?"

They kept bobbling as though mocking him.

He glared at them. "Then so be it!" He reached behind him, feeling along his lower back for the Rod and not finding it. 'Where did I... fuck...' The tanned psychopath should have realized that everything came with a price including his freedom for his dear light must have lifted the Rod from him in the duration of their impromptu hug. "Dammit."

What could he do now that his threat was baseless? He couldn't just let them continue to mock him as though they were the ones in control, but there wasn't much he could do to them short of killing them all and he still wanted his shadow army...

"You continue to defy me but not for long. I will wait here like a fierce cat waiting for you to tire of your bobbling! And when you do, I will be victorious and your bodies and souls shall be mine!" His pronouncement echoed through the halls scaring the few shoppers who still dared to go near the novelty shop.

Marik sank down to his knees directly in front of the window, then fully to the floor and he glared. He would win this fight, of that he was certain.

----------

Jo laughed as Malik finished up a story about how he died his sister's hair bright blue.

"She looked like a sun burnt harpy lady for weeks!" he exclaimed, chuckling. The day had turned out better than expected, the two deciding that talking over coffee for a bit was a good starting point. From there they'd stopped by the arcade where they'd battled each other on various platforms from fighting games to that one game that involves the dance pad. And now they were traveling along, trading various tales and licking down some ice cream.

"Man I wish I had an older sister," Jounochi said as he wiped a tear from his eye.

Malik grinned at him. "Yeah, they're pretty fun. But they can be a pain with them thinking they know everything."

Jo blinked at him. "But your sister does know everything."

"That's besides the point. She can be such a-" Malik was cut off as what appeared to be a large body swooped past him. "What the hell?"

Another body swooped down, this time hitting Jo square in the chest. The boy barely had time to scream before he was knocked to the ground. The blonde pushed at the heavy object all the while trying to get his breath back. Just as soon as he'd freed himself he let loose a bloodcurdling scream. Falling from the sky were mummies. Not the fake Halloween type, but real life straight from Egypt mummies. And they were all aimed at the tall sandy blonde who just happened to be deathly afraid of them.

Malik was frozen in a mixture of disbelief, shock, and general amusement. Sure it wasn't normal for wrapped up dead bodies to be raining down from the heavens but whoever came up with the idea had to be a genius! Just how many people knew Jo was deathly afraid of the dead?

The Egyptian boy continued to watch Jo spaz and scream as he tried his best to dodge the falling dead for just enough time to finish his ice cream before rushing in to save the boy. He leapt at the boy and pushed him out of the direct stream of bodies and into the wall. Though he'd saved the poor frightened boy, slamming him into the wall only served to knock out what little air the boy had left, so it was safe to say that Jo passed out.

It wasn't too long after his trip into unconsciousness that the mummy shower ceased. And it was mere seconds later that the tell tale sign of a helicopter could be heard lifting off the top of the mall. Suspicious.

"Well that was weird. Brilliant, but weird." Malik shook his head and tried to prop Jounochi up against the wall. "Now what the heck am I gonna do with you?" An image of the boy in a revealing dog costume and chained over a bed of spikes came to mind but he dismissed it. 'We're friends now and besides that's something Marik would do.'

It was at that moment that said dark could be heard screaming his head off on the floor above. Malik blinked. Could it be that his ever-maniacal dark was screaming in distress? He had to go check this out. He looked down at Jounochi for a moment before deciding he was safest there and ran off to find his dark. Who wouldn't be safe just feet from a pile of mummified remains?

Upstairs, Marik was a sight to behold. The once proud and very much crazy young man had curled himself up into the fetal position and was rocking back and forth screaming in the general direction of the novelty store window.

"Die you bastards! Die!" he sobbed.

Malik reached his dark just as he shouted this and he was overwhelmed by the hilarity of the situation. There his big bad dark was screaming in fear at a display of motor-powered bobble heads. The boy did the only thing he could do in this situation. He laughed. Long and hard.

Later Malik would have his own hair died blue for this incident but it was more than worth it. Jo was quite pissed after he came to and wasted no time in purchasing a tranquilizer gun and ammo. It's said he was spotted a few days later running away from the Kaiba mansion. And as for Marik, he learned that there are certain evils that surpass that of the shadow realm and thus dedicated himself to destroying all things with motors in them. Safe to say Malik isn't pleased.

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yay, this is finished! shitty, but finished! XD so i wanna know how everyone feels about the kaiba/jo pranks. they're my favorite parts.


	4. The Darks Find Mistletoe

AN: i apologize that this is so late, but i became ill last nite and didn't feel like sitting up much less typing. not to mention this turned out to be a lot longer than first expected. this really shouldn't have been more than a thousand words, but now it's like 6 thou. yeah, lucky you kids. there is another x-mas fic i have planned prolly called 'The Darks Find the Meaning of Christmas' but that won't be done till later this week. for anyone who likes YYH and/or kuwa/yusuke, i hav yet another x-mas fic for that, also not to be posted till later in the week. well that's all t3h news i hav. enjoy, or something. 

disclaimer: i don't own this! merry happy christmahanakwanzukah to me! well, i do own 'Bakura Finds Antifreeze', but that doesn't really count...

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**The Darks Find Mistletoe**

"Yami, you can set that box down by the stairs!"

The mighty pharaoh did as he was told before stretching tall and letting out an explosive sigh. All day long he'd been helping his hikari decorate the house for some weird holiday. What was it called again? Chrizzle- no- Christmas! He didn't quite understand the meaning of this holiday but he'd come to understand that whatever it was involved a hell of a lot of heavy lifting. 'Not all of these boxes could possibly be filled with decorations!'

He stared down at the rather heavy package he'd just set down. 'Well he's going to open this eventually anyway, so a peek inside couldn't hurt.' Yami knelt down and immediately dug his fingers into the seam created by the two top flaps. He tugged at the box as best he could, finding it difficult to maintain a firm grip. The flaps were downright slippery! When he found that opening the box wouldn't be so simple, he backed off to regroup.

'Hn. It appears to be easy to open but it's as though an invisible force field sits between the two flaps. Hmm...' He fiddled with his ever-present neck buckle as he pondered. "Maybe if I use my shadow magic-"

"Oh no you don't Mr. Pharaoh!" Yugi scolded s he padded down the stairs.

"Did I say that aloud?" the dark asked nervously.

"You did and I'm glad you did or you'd be in a heck of a lot more trouble with me!" The smaller of the two bent down and quickly cut the box open with his house key. Yami gasped in surprise.

"How did you break past the force field?"

Yugi sighed and smiled up at his companion. "Do you remember the lesson I gave you on adhesives?" Yami nodded slowly, the memories returning. "Do you remember tape?" The pharaoh blinked once, then twice. Suddenly it dawned on him.

"Ah, I'm sorry aibou, it slipped my mind," Yami explained, pulling at his spiked hair in embarrassment. The shorter of the two reached up and patted his cheek.

"Don't worry about it. Just help me set this stuff up, okay?" He gave him one of his cute little smiles. Yami nodded vigorously finding verbal communication to be inadequate when faced with such an adorable image. "And remember, our friends are coming over to watch movies tonight."

"Huh?" he responded intelligently. "Which friends?"

"Oh, you know, Malik, Ryou, Jou..." Yami smiled. He liked those three very much despite the rumors he'd heard about Malik performing satanic rituals in his backyard. "... and Marik, Bakura, Kaiba..."

"Why them?"

"Because!" Yugi exclaimed as though the reason should have been obvious. "They're Malik and Ryou's darks! They have to come." The tiny boy was, unfortunately right, so Yami did the only thing he could in retaliation. He pouted.

Yugi crossed his arms at his dark's immaturity. "It won't be that bad and you know it!" Yami continued to pout but didn't disagree. After all if Marik or Bakura decided to be their normal selves he could send them both to the shadow realm for a few decades.

"Well you still haven't explained why Kaiba's coming."

Yugi blinked. "Hmm... Now that I think about it, why is Kaiba coming?" His dark shrugged in response. "I guess it's cause of Jou. I mean wherever Jou goes now Kaiba seems to appear." He thought for another moment or two before shrugging it off. He had more important things to tend to.

"C'mon Yami, you may not be much taller but I need all the help I can get."

----------

About 3 hours later, 6:15 to be exact, Ryou and Bakura were standing before the back door of the game shop. Both were wrapped up from head to toe in the warmest clothes possible, meaning Bakura was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of shorts while Ryou looked like he was trekking to the South Pole. In Ryou's arms a large chocolate and strawberry cake was nestled. This proved to be a problem for him since his dark was being less than helpful and wouldn't ring the doorbell.

"Please Kura! It's just ringing the doorbell!" the light pleaded.

"No," Bakura said, crossing his arms. "I don't see it helping me any."

Ryou sighed. His arms were becoming tired. "If you don't help me in, you won't get any cake."

"Why help you when I can just take the cake from you now?" The dark smirked.

"Kura!" Ryou whined. "Please?"

"No."

"But-"

"No. Do it yourself."

"I'll give you a present!"

"Ok." Bakura extended his middle finger and rang the doorbell several times in rapid succession. Ryou sighed again, in relief this time. His relief was short lived when he suddenly felt Bakura's warm breath next to his ear. "So, what do I get?" Ryou sighed yet again. Looks like he'd have to break out the antifreeze again. (1)

The door creaked open allowing Yugi's small head and pieces of his outrageous hair too peek out. He smiled when he saw who it was at the door and opened it wider to let them in. Ryou gladly climbed the steps and crossed the threshold going straight for the kitchen. Bakura was a deal more lacsadaisical and lagged behind. He was lagging so far he wasn't even making an effort to enter Yugi's home.

"You coming inside Bakura?" Yugi asked meekly.

"You gonna die anytime soon?" the dark spat back.

"Fine, fine. Come inside when you want to," the violet eyed boy began, "but you won't get any of Ryou's special cake..." He trailed off positive he'd caught the white haired boy's attention. Sure enough, Bakura blew past him and made a beeline for the kitchen. Yugi giggled and shut the door.

The purple-eyed boy made his way to the kitchen as well, wanting to check on the snacks he'd prepared for the evening. His progress was impeded by his dear white haired friend Ryou.

"Sorry," the pale boy apologized. Yugi just smiled at him and looked up. Ryou raised and eyebrow in confusion but followed the boy's gaze. There, perched on the entryway to the kitchen was a small clump of mistletoe. He looked back down at Yugi and smiled.

"Sure," he said before he bent down and kissed Yugi on the lips. The parted moments later and went on their way as though nothing had happened. And Bakura saw all of this.

'What the hell?'

----------

Around 6:34 the doorbell to the back of the Kame Game Shop rang again. This time Yugi was greeted with the nearly insane smiles of Malik and Marik. "Hey guys, come on in!" Marik wasted no time in scooting through the door. He smelt food. Malik shook his head at his dark's behavior.

"Hey Yugi."

"Hey, how's Marik?"

Malik opened his mouth to speak just as he heard a crash from the kitchen and the tale tell sound of his dark cursing in Egyptian. "In deep shit," he growled. Yugi stared after the boy as he stomped over to where Marik was most likely making trouble.

The keeper of the puzzle was just about to return to his hosting duties when a rather tall shadow fell over him. His spiked head snapped up to take in the ever-annoyed form of Kaiba. Nevertheless, Yugi beamed up at him and waved him inside.

"Hi Kaiba!"

"Hn," was the reply before the CEO stalked off towards the kitchen. 'What's with the kitchen today?' Yugi wondered. 'And what's with that bag Kaiba was carrying? He's usually not the type of guy to bring something to a party...' He shrugged before heading to the kitchen himself.

He was stopped at the door by a pissed looking Malik. "Scuse me Yugi," he said quickly, already moving away from the door before he could finish his sentence.

"Wait!" Yugi called after him. "Look for a sec." Malik turned his head to look for whatever it was the runt had asked him to. There above the kitchen doorway was a clump of mistletoe. He sighed.

"Alright. Come here." With that the two kissed then parted ways.

Meanwhile, a few minutes before the Malik/Yugi action, Bakura had been confiding in his dearest partner in crime, Marik.

"I swear, Ryou and the brat kissed! For no reason at all!"

"Sure, and I'm allowed to play with the stove."

"What? You're not? Loser." Bakura smirked.

"Shut up. At least I don't have to make up stuff just to express my fantasies about my light and his best friend."

The white haired dark growled and through a knife at his companion. "It's not a fantasy! They kissed and I saw it!" Marik gave him a disbelieving look. "Besides, I'd rather him make out with Malik than the runt." Marik smirked as he searched his crazy hair for the knife.

While reaching for said weapon, Marik's elbow bumped against a group of hanging pots. Said pots fell to the ground taking a glass bowl filled with kisses with them. To say that they made a bit of a ruckus is an understatement. The tanned boy didn't even flinch while he stood amongst the chaos. Safe to say he was used to it.

Malik burst into the kitchen moments later screaming his dark's name. This was something he could never get used to. A few minutes later found Marik sitting rather sheepishly in the corner, rubbing at a sore spot on the top of head. Bakura was laughing his ass off at his friends discomfort as per usual.

Malik was storming out of the kitchen when he bumped into Yugi. Marik's eyes widened as he saw the one thing he'd only dreamt about. Or maybe had nightmares about. It was hard to tell from the noises he made during such nighttime visions. Not to mention he was stark raving mad at any given moment.

Malik and Yugi kissed.

Bakura's eyes had widened as well, unbelieving of what he saw. It was one thing that the two pansy hikaris kissed, but Malik? Just what the hell was going on here?

----------

Finally, around 7 o'clock Jou showed up at the door, with Yugi answering as before.

"Jou!" he squealed and leapt into his friends arms.

The sandy blonde caught his friend in a hug. "Hey Yugi!" He let the boy down a few moments later, preferring to ruffle his hair instead. Yugi batted his hands away, smiling.

"Come on inside, everyone else is here already."

"Eh, sure." Jou paused at the door for a moment. "When you say everyone, what do ya mean exactly"  
Yugi thought over what to tell his best friend. Now he could say that everyone included Kaiba as well as two crazy darks that had tried to kill Jou in the past, but something told him that wouldn't be a good idea. "You know. Everyone," he said as nonchalantly as possible.

"O...k..." Jou stepped inside and was the first out of the entire evening to take in all of the Christmas decorations. "Wow, nice decoratin' ya done." He looked around amazed that many of the decorations were higher up than normal. "Did ya get Yami to help this year?"

"Yeah and thanks." Yugi beamed up at him. "There's food in the kitchen if you want some. I should bring it out to the living room now that everyone's here."

"Dun worry bout it, I got it," and Jou was heading to the kitchen before Yugi could protest.

He shook his head. Jou was so nice to everyone, especially him. Quite suddenly the dark shadow from before returned to loom over him. Yugi whipped around to see Kaiba sneaking off into the hall. He gave the retreating form a weird look before making his way to the kitchen to help Jou.

----------

Meanwhile, Bakura and Marik had managed to drag Yami in to their hidey-hole to discuss the important matter of the evening: The hikari make-out scenes.

The hikari make-out scenes, as Marik so intelligently put it, were a bit disturbing to say the least. Not disturbing in the sense that it was disgusting to watch, but in the sense that none of the hikari's had ever been known to do such things. In fact it was so unbelievable, Yami had yet to have been won over.

"Look, I know neither of you have been too fond of Yugi in the past, but that doesn't mean you have to make up lies about him," Yami said, defending his light.

Bakura growled. "Stupid pharaoh! Why would I make up a lie about the runt and my hikari? I actually like my brat!"

Yami raised an eyebrow. "And you express that like by kicking him down the stairs?"

"You know that last time was an accident..."

"Uh-huh, just like the 4 times before that."

"I swear, I didn't-"

"Shut up you two!" Marik interjected. Bakura was about to make some snide remark before he noticed the Egyptian boy pointing at the doorway. There stood Jou, a tray of snacks in his arms, and Yugi in front of him. Jou looked up at the doorframe then back down and smiled. The shorter of the two stood up on his toes as Jou's head tilted down and their lips met.

There was a loud crash next to Marik and Bakura as the great and mighty pharaoh fainted.

"Marik! Ra dammit you better not be fucking up again!"

----------

It was well into the party/movie night before Yami could look at his hikari without blushing. Since when did Yugi become so hookery he'd pondered to himself. It just didn't make any sense. His light was in the living room laughing it up with his friends as though he were immune to the fact that he'd kissed them all that evening.

"It's alright pharaoh," Marik said consolingly, as he placed a potentially comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, it's okay," Bakura chimed in, patting the pharaoh's other shoulder. "The innocent ones are always sluts in the end." Yami whipped around giving them and incredulous look as they nodded solemnly.

"You can't stop change Yami," Marik said almost sounding wise. And sane. But just almost.

The pharaoh glared at the both of them. "What the hell are you saying? Your hikaris kissed back!"

"Look Pharaoh, just because your light's a cheap whore doesn't mean ours are," Bakura explained, as though he was an expert on this subject. Marik nodded along.

Yami grabbed at his multi-colored hair. "You two idiots don't get it! I think something's wrong with all of them! Jou, Yugi, Ryou, Malik-- All of them!" Suddenly the two hands on his shoulders tightened.

"Hey I'm okay with your light being a whore," Marik began. "Hell I don't give a fuck if you call my light a whore cause he probably is." Bakura nodded in agreement at that statement. "But nobody-"

"And he means nobody-"

"-Calls me an idiot!" Marik glared daggers at the pharaoh only to find that his attention was focused on something else. "Hey you bastard royal, pay attention when I'm threatening you!"

"Shh!" was all Yami said. There at the doorway to the kitchen stood Jou and Ryou and they were... Well, you know. Kissing.

Bakura's eyes widened. Ryou and the dog kid! Marik and Yami's eyes were wide with shock as well. When the two parted the darks eyes turned to each other. They stared at one another for a while in silence, letting what just happened sink in.

Yami was the first to speak. "So what was that about my light being a whore?" he asked smirking. The other two darks looked away but said nothing. "Never mind all that, what are we going to do about this? Why is that they're doing this?"

They all sat in silence, each trying to come up with a reasonable answer. "I know!" Marik exclaimed. "They're being controlled by that my little pony guy!" Bakura snorted. "His name is Pegasus for one thing, and for another thing I stripped him of his shadow powers and took his Ra forsaken eye." (2)

"Well, do we have any clues," Yami asked. Marik and Bakura shook their heads indicating that they hadn't the slightest idea what could be making their lights, and Jou, do this. The pharaoh stood up from where he'd been sitting on the floor and headed over to examine the door. He felt along the sides of the doorframe for any trace of something out of the ordinary. It wasn't until he reached the top of the frame that he found his culprit.

"Hey, idiots! I think I found something."

Said idiots ignored the derogatory name for once, and scooted over to where the pharaoh was pointing at an odd looking clump of plant life.

"The fuck is it?" Bakura so elegantly questioned.

"I'm not sure," Yami started, "but whatever it is it must be mighty powerful to control their bodies like that." They nodded in solemn unison.

----------

"Man, that Steven Chou is a bloody genius," Malik said as he stretched his arms back and over his head. "I laugh at the knife part every time!"

Yugi, Jou, and Ryou nodded in agreement. "And don't you just love the gay tailor?" Ryou asked. More nods of agreement mixed in with chuckles in remembrance. (3)

"I think Kura would have loved to have watched, but for some reason he won't leave the kitchen." Ryou's eyes turned downcast, genuine worry present from his form.

"Yeah. Marik's been in there too and he loves comedic violence." Malik too was beginning to look concerned.

Yugi cocked his head to the side. "Come to think of it guys, all of our darks have been holed up in the kitchen this whole time." Looks of comprehension appeared on their faces for any time their darks got along swimmingly usually meant trouble of some sort. Or they were playing with the microwave again, but that tended to include explosions and the smell of melting plastic and neither signs of destruction were present.

"Well we know where they are," Ryou tapped his chin, thinking. "But where's Kaiba been this whole time?" Jou shrugged at his friends indicating he had no clue, though it was obvious from his lack of eye contact that he had some inkling. "Well," Ryou continued, "We'd better go and knock some sense into our darks before the house catches on fire. Again."

Ryou, Yugi, and Malik all stood and made their way towards the kitchen leaving Jou behind. He took a quick look around, making sure no one was left to hear him, and he chuckled to himself. He couldn't wait to see the look on Kaiba's face when he escaped the upstairs bathroom, though by then it could very well be the next day.

Jou nestled himself back into the puffy living room couch. "I love this couch," he said to himself. "It's so comfy I could sleep here all the time." He cuddled deeper into the cushions. "Hell, I could die here!" He threw his arms and legs out so he was sprawled all over the piece of furniture. He sighed deeply, comfortable beyond all comprehension. "It's better then sleeping on the floor at home, that's for sure. No hardwood floor, no broken beer bottles, no father kicking me while I sleep-"

Jou's monologue was cut short when he heard a crash from the other side of the room. He sat up and whipped around to see what could have fallen but found nothing. Everything seemed to be in place from the lamps, to the entertainment center, to the conveniently placed tube of Chap Stick.

"Hm," Jou thought aloud, "doesn't seem like anything's wrong. Everythin's in place all the way down to that conveniently placed tube of chap stick." He scratched his head before getting up off the couch and heading over to a small table that refreshment had been set upon. He dug into the bowl of caramel corn and took out a large handful. As he popped kernel after kernel into his waiting mouth, his eyes drifted over to the Chap Stick.

Sure, Chap Stick isn't anything special, but it was just sitting there-- all alone-- just waiting for some chapped soul to pick it up and use it. Jou could here it crying from across the room. 'Please! I want to make your lips moist and kissable!' He shook his head. He was not going to pick up a stray tube of Chap Stick. There was no way. He didn't know where it'd been! For all he knew it could have been dumped in the toilet or something.

'I want to shield you away from the pain your lips cracking from dehydration!'

No. He wasn't going to pick up mystery chap stick. No way, no how.

'Moist lips...'

"Well my lips are kinda dry... Wait-- no!"

'Kissable lips...'

"I'm not gonna do it dammit!"

'I'm cherry flavored too.'

Indeed the Chap Stick label proclaimed cherry flavored moisturized goodness inside. Jou scooted over to where the Chap Stick stood. "Well... maybe I could use a little chap stick..."

----------

When the three hikari's entered the kitchen they were surprised to find it mostly in one piece. That was a first considering who'd taken up residence there. In fact Yami and Bakura were huddled together in the corner whispering to each other. How pleasant that they were finally getting along. Pleasantly creepy.

Both Yugi and Ryou were a bit apprehensive about approaching their other halves. The fact that neither of them was dead or banished to the shadow realm made them very uncomfortable. Relieved but uncomfortable.

"Uh, Yami-kun?" Yugi called out not willing to venture too far into the room. All whispering from the corner ceased. That didn't feel like a good sign. "Yami, uh, what are you doing in the kitchen?" he asked nervously.

"And why with Kura?" Ryou chimed in.

The darks looked at each other, then at the three boys standing in the doorway. Bakura nudged the pharaoh in the side. "You think it worked?"

"I don't know. They're not making out."

Malik, Ryou, and Yugi exchanged awkward looks. Just what the hell were they talking about?

"Well, go and check!" Bakura barked, shoving the pharaoh.

"What? Why me?"

"You're the almighty fucking ruler of Egypt, so you should do it!"

"That was thousands of years ago! I am not qualified to do such things!" He shoved back.

"Then what good are you, you pointy haired bastard!" The white haired yami shoved him again.

"A lot more good then you that's for damn sure!" The pharaoh shoved back.

"Pansy ass!" Shove.

"Dumb ass!" Shove.

"Prick face!" Shove.

"Lolita Killer!" Shove. (4)

"Loli-what?"

"That's a good question Bakura. Just where did you hear that Yami?" Yugi was very suddenly standing above the two darks looking rather annoyed. "You know I don't like it when you fight with Bakura or Marik. I just can't see why you can't be the bigger man in situations like these!"

"I'm sorry aibou, but-"

"No buts! You should know better!"

"But-"

"What did I just say"  
"That he was the bigger man, though he obviously isn't cause Ryou told me tha-" Bakura was cut off by Ryou giving him a sharp smack to the head.

"Kura!"

"Well, you were the one who told me he wasn't anything to look at-"

Another smack. "Shut up!" And he did for all of 5 seconds. Then he realized he was the stronger of the two and stood up.

"I'll shut up when you fall onto a knife and die," he said smirking evilly. Ryou knew that smirk. It was the smirk that told him he'd be 'accidentally' slipping in the shower tonight and that was never fun.

"But Kura, if I'm not here, who's going to make you a cake when you get home?", the pale boy asked as he slowly backed away from his other half.

"That reminds me," his smirk turned into a frown. "I came to this fucking party for some damned cake, and I still haven't gotten any." He did his best to pout innocently, but failed when he said, "Guess you'll have to pay for that, won't you?"

The scene in the kitchen wasn't particularly something to smile at considering in one corner Yugi was giving Yami the scolding of his lifetime(which had to be pretty damned bad) and in the other corner Bakura was a few seconds away from attacking Ryo. So, of course, Malik found the whole situation vaguely amusing.

He was chuckling at the various terms of endearment Yami was using to get himself out of trouble when he heard Marik come up behind him. Yes, heard, for if it weren't for a keen sense of hearing Malik would've been attacked from behind many a time in his own home. Acute senses were must haves in the Ishtar household.

Malik turned from the rather amusing scene before him and walked the few steps to where his dark half was standing, laughing uncontrollably. It just so happened that Marik was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Poor bastard didn't even see it coming.

One moment the kitchen was filled with disappointed shouts, pitiful screams for help, and strangely British battle cries, and the next it was completely silent. All eyes were focused on the spectacle that was Malik kissing Marik. Mostly the attention was focused on Marik's look of disgruntled surprise.

Yugi was the first to break the silence by giggling. It was just so rare that Marik was surprised or scared shitless and the face he made was just priceless. Ryou soon followed in his friend's footsteps, chuckling at how distraught the tanned dark looked.

When Malik pulled away, his dark remained frozen, truly frightened. Though what he was afraid of couldn't be determined. Was it the kiss it self, or was it something more? It's like eating school enchiladas. Is it the fact that they look like barf or is it that they taste eerily like a booger you'd eaten once way back in kindergarten? No one knows for sure. Except for Marik in this case.

Malik began to snicker along with his friends when he saw the face his dark was making. It really was too funny to not laugh at. Too bad Yami and Bakura didn't share that sentiment. They too look scared out of their wits.

"Why did he- why was he-," Bakura stammered. "You slut!", he shouted at Malik. Said 'slut' stopped laughing faster than one can say 'ho' and glared at the white haired yami.

"Excuse me?"

"You're a slut, plain and simple," Bakura said matter-of-factly.

Malik growled. "I am not a fucking slut and I'd appreciate it if you'd quit calling me that!"

Bakura snorted. "Why should I, when that's exactly what you are?"

"Bakura," Malik warned as he clenched his fist. The tomb robber snorted at him again, but did not retract his comments. "If you don't fucking tell me why I'm supposedly such a slut I will not hesitate to beat your face in."

"Why, when you can't even beat yourse-"

"Bakura!", Ryou scolded. "Can't you be nice to people for more than five seconds?"

Bakura turned to him, menacing glare in place. "Can't you stay down next time I knock you down the stairs?"

"I knew you did it!", Yami shouted pointing an accusatory finger at Bakura.

"I'm telling you I didn't do it last time!", he growled in return. That was really all it took before the two were throwing insults at each other from across the room. Yugi wasn't helping matters with his 'grow up' and 'be the bigger man' talks. Ryou was trying his best to shush his yami without having to face his wrath at a later date. Malik, already less than pleased with being called the equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith, was pissed that he still didn't have an explanation and took to screaming at Bakura in Egyptian. Pretty much the only ones who weren't involved in the fray were Marik, Jou, and Kaiba, two of whom weren't even in the room at the time.

Marik looked at each of the shouting boys trying to take in all of what they said to each other and finding it nearly impossible. Then he looked at the offensive piece of greenery and frowned. Was this tiny bit of green and berries the source of all their problems? He looked back at the group of feuding hikaris and darks, smirking but only slightly. Though Marik loved chaos and was generally the source of it, seeing his five 'friends' shouting so vehemently tugged at his blackened crazed heart.

So being the stupid less-than-sane soul that he is, he solved the problem the only way he could think of. He reached up, ripped the mistletoe off of the doorframe and ate it.

"What the hell!" Oddly enough this shout came from Yugi.

"And you tell me to sensor my language..."

"Shut up Yami," he growled. Considering it was Yugi the growl sounded more like a kitty purring instead of a fierce beast. Yugi and fierce just didn't jive. "Marik, what the hell did you do that for?"

Marik smirked to himself, rather pleased with what he'd done. Not only had he ingested something beyond delightful, he'd managed to stop the shouting match between his companions. Life was good. It'd be better if he could juggle some newborns, but no one's life was perfect.

"Marik," Malik began calmly. "Why did you eat the fucking mistletoe?"

"Simple, I say. That evil shadow plant was forcing all of you lights to become sluts. Even Jou and he hates being tied up."

Yugi blinked at his explanation. "O...k... Um, first of all I don't quite understand what Jou being tied up has to do with this, but whatever. You're insane."

Yami snorted. "That's an understatement." Ryou and Malik nodded in agreement.

"Second of all," Yugi continued, "It wasn't a shadow plant. It was just a normal plant that's used in a Christmas time tradition."

"What the fuck type of tradition forces you to make out with your friends?", Bakura asked, pissed as he most often was.

Yugi turned and glared at him. "We didn't make out, we just kissed. And it's a nice tradition."

Bakura elbowed Yami in the side. "Told you he was a slut." Yami smacked him in the back of the head. "Shut the fuck up." Ryou stepped between the two before they could escalate into another fight.

"Yugi, hurry up and finish explaining so these two can stop trying to kill each other for a few minutes."

"Alright, alright." The small light took a deep breath. "During the Christmas season it's normal, and even a tradition in some households, to put up mistletoe at random places in the house. Whenever two people end up underneath it, they're supposed to kiss. It's just supposed to be a gesture of goodwill between two people."

Yami nodded in understanding. "That explains it. Well, kind of. I just don't see why you had to kiss them on the lips."

"Jealous pharaoh?"

Ryou elbowed his dark. "Bakura!" Said dark growled at him. Ryou scooted closer to Yami.

"It's not about being interested in people, um, that way," the tiny boy blushed. "It's just that me, Malik, Ryou, and Jou are really good friends so it doesn't bother us to kiss on the lips. Had it been me and Kaiba I would've pecked him on the cheek or something."

"Or not at all, hopefully," Yami muttered.

"Now do you understand," Malik asked looking around at the three very stupid darks. Stupid in the sense that they always blew things way out of proportion. "The damned stuff is harmless! Now can we just enjoy the rest of the party?" Everyone nodded and began to file out of the kitchen.  
"So, aibou, is there more of this mistletoe stuff around?" Yugi thought for a moment and nodded. "Yeah, there's some more over near the game shop door. Do you wanna go see?"

"Sure."

"Yeah," Bakura agreed. "We should all know where this weird shit is so we don't end up having to kiss the pharaoh and smell his camel breath."

Before Yami could even retort Ryou kicked him and his yami in the shin. "Just quit it you two."

"Quit what?", Jou asked as he came up behind the group.

"Quit being jerks to each other," Ryou said pouting.

"Oh, those two? Nah, that'll never happen," he said, a good-natured smile spreading across his face. "Well what're we all stuffed in this hallway for?"

"We were showing these idiots," Malik gestured to Bakura and Yami and tugged at Marik's hair, "where the rest of the mistletoe is."

"Oh hey, there it is over there." Jou maneuvered past his friends to stand underneath it. "Man I'm glad we don't have any of this at my house. It's just me and my dad after all." Jou continued to babble on about the perks of not having any mistletoe at his own abode, his friends glad to be listening to something that didn't involve the words 'slut', 'whore', 'stfu', or 'salami'. Why salami we're not quite sure.

It was during his tirade when a telltale shadow loomed over him from behind. The only difference in the shadow being that it looked vaguely soggy. Actually the person the menacing shadow belonged to was quite damp from head to toe and vaguely blue tinted.

Upon seeing Kaiba enter the room Malik and Marik burst out laughing. He just looked too damn funny. Even the nicest of people couldn't resist at least grinning at him, though Ryou and Yugi were trying their best not to.

Kaiba wore a look of extreme distaste at his current state and that of his so-called companions. He had no clue how he became locked in the upstairs bathroom or why every bottle of toilet cleaner known to man was perched on the ceiling of that bathroom or why they all decided to unload their contents on him at once, but he wasn't pleased.

As though to make matters worse, Yugi began giggling uncontrollably. He nudged his dark in the side and pointed at a point just above Kaiba's head. Yami then started chuckling and nudged Bakura, pointing at the same point. Eventually everyone but Jou and Kaiba had found this new source of mirth and were enjoying it immensely.

Jou blinked at them cutely and cocked his head to the side. "What're you guys laughing at?" Yugi just snickered and pointed in response. Jou looked up, then behind him and he paled slightly.

Jou was standing underneath the mistletoe with one very blue, very pissed Seto Kaiba.

"Hey," Bakura shouted, "You two have to kiss now, or so says the runt." Jou sighed, looking quite pained, but nodded. He dug around in his pocket and pulled out the oh-so-convenient Chap Stick and applied it to his lips.

"If I have to kiss him then I don't see why it has to taste like his assy mouth."

If looks could kill Kaiba's wouldn't have even made a dandelion wilt. Poor bastard was more scared than anything. And why wouldn't he be. After all, he was the only one who knew the secret behind the Chap Stick. Unfortunately for him, within the few seconds that he spent panicking, Jou had reached up and kissed him firmly on the lips.

That's right. Jounochi Katsuya and Seto Kaiba kissed. It was probably really hot.

Everyone was laughing at the looks of displeasure on their faces, all except for Yugi who was laughing because he knew something that the others didn't. But you don't need to know that either. Suckers.

Two minutes passed and Yami decided to end the torture. "Alright, you guys have kissed long enough." Kaiba and Jou didn't move.

Ryou laughed. "Look, we know you guys don't like each other so you don't have to keep doing this. Just let go."

It was then that they realized something was very wrong. Well actually, two things. First off, Jou and Kaiba seemed unable to separate themselves from each other. Secondly, Marik had been very quiet for the last few minutes. That wasn't good.

-----------

Thirty minutes later, the strange group of friends could be found at the hospital in various states of distress. Yami, Yugi, Bakura, and Ryou were all quite amused with the situation. Though the two lights were concerned for their friends, both situations were just too hilarious.

Marik was passed out up against the hospital waiting room wall, beginning to foam at the mouth. Malik was in front of him, not sure whether to beat him senseless or to comfort him.

Jou and Kaiba were, by far, in the worst situation, for not only were they stuck together, they were conjoined at the one place that made them appear as though they were a loving couple.

Eventually a nurse came out and greeted them all, most especially Kaiba and Jou.

"Hello again Mr. Kaiba and you too Jou."

The group looked at each other. What did she mean again?

The friendly blonde headed nurse approached the two and gave them a quick once over, already having found the problem. "I don't know how you got stuck together this time, but I'm sure you can tell me after we get you separated, ne?" Neither of the boys would make eye contact with her.

The group of friends all exchanged odd looks.

"That was one wild party," Marik slurred out before passing out again.

Kaiba and Jou were eventually separated but not until half of the nursing staff had snapped pictures and promised to make Christmas cards out of them. Marik had his stomach pumped and was scolded by both the doctor and his light for being such an idiot. Malik was later scolded for not fully explaining what he meant by 'harmless'.

Bakura never did get a piece of cake and retaliated by burning all of Ryou's clothes... for the second time that month. Ryou, deciding to grab life by the balls for once, decided that slipping his dark a little antifreeze wouldn't hurt and that going to a different hospital would keep suspicion down.

Yami and Yugi finished decorating the house inside and out and they had a long talk about all the weird little Christmas traditions ever created. Yami was forbidden from mistletoe after abusing it and Yugi was eventually forced to take the rest of it down to keep the other darks from trying to kiss inanimate objects.

One wild party indeed.

-----------

1. see Bakura Finds Antifreeze  
2. Look, we all know Pegasus is a child-molester at heart. Like he wouldn't want to see them going at it?  
3. Kung Fu Hustle, you punk bitches  
4. if you've read through Hana Kimi book 4, then you understand this reference. If you haven't, go buy the damned book!

ok, so this was my longest one so far. what do u kids think, eh? in case it's unclear, kaiba filled the chapstick with super glue. yeah, sucks for him. XD a qucik thank you to all of you who reviewed but don't have effeff dot net accounts. if ya'll could leave an e-mail i can thank you more personally, capiche? alrigh then.

Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays kids! XD


End file.
